By Ross Lipschultz
What’s the number one sports drink in the world?
Gatorade? Yeah, right.
Powerade? Think again.
Vitamin Water? Not even close.
The real man’s answer? Beer.
That’s right, those frosty cool suds are what makes sports go round. Sports fans everywhere guzzle down beer like it’s coming from their mother’s teet.
Which would make her the world’s best mom.
But after a Cleveland Brewery released a LeBron James inspired brew recently, the sports world had a new marketing method. Thirty gallons of the beer, appropriately named “Quitness,” sold out in three hours during it’s original release.
The inspiration, however, was not a good thing. “Quitness” is a dry-hopped pale ale with a notably bitter aftertaste, which parallels the feeling of Cav's fans everywhere.
Imagine the drink they’d make if the Browns left again.
Beer is such a profitable market in sports, so it wouldn’t surprise anyone if more athletes got a cool one named after them.
Whether out of admiration or spite, some stars just deserve it more than others.
Guess who they are!
The Name: Manny Being Drunky
Whether you love him or hate him, everyone knows Manny Ramirez is one of the better hitters of the past decade.
However, he only plays every once in a while as of late, so he’s not exactly reliable year round.
Can you say “Holiday Beer?”
Manny’s brew would only be available during the months of the year he decides to play. It could be one, it could be the whole season.
Who doesn’t love surprises?
Low on hops due to his lackluster speed, the MBD has a grainy and oxidized taste due to his overexposure during aging.
Fans might call it yeasty as well, considering the beer has definitely been sitting too long on sediment.
Sounds like Manny to me.
9. Venus and Serena WilliamsThe Name: Shwasted Sisters
Venus and Serena have been on top of the tennis world for quite some time.
Frankly, having so many good genes in one family is just so unfair.
So why not spread the love, and bottle some greatness?
Just like the ladies, the beer would have a full body with a shelf-life for ages.
However, Serena’s would have a sweet finish, while Venus’ would be sour, making going halfsies on each with a friend a perfect way to spend a summer day.
And for a limited time only, when you twist off the top, the beer grunts at you.
The Name: Speed Brewer
The only way to make Helio Castroneves look tall is to take a picture at this very angle.
And ask him to leave his part-time job as a Smurf chauffeur.
So he’s a perfect sponsor for a light beer!
The driver’s wheat beer would be perfect for taste buds all over.
He’s pale in color, and so is his beverage of choice. His tongue is acidic, and so is his brew.
Sadly, the nose of the beer would not be so pleasant, so it’s only for Helio die-hards.
When he gets out of his car, his head smells like a used diaper full of Thai food, so his beer will have an equally dank scent.
But it sure has plenty of hops!
7. Lou PinellaThe Name: Ol’ Reliable
Maybe Lou’s not an athlete anymore, as walking to the mound requires him to grab an oxygen tank.
Back in the day, he was quite the ball player, so his beer is going to reflect all of his achievements.
First off, it only comes in a keg, which makes it perfect for parties.
The hang of the drink is notoriously harsh, which is required for anyone who wants to be just like Lou.
Although, I’m sure that list shortened after his time with the Cubs.
Second, this beer would be an India Pale Ale due to it’s high level of hops.
Since hopping and screaming at umps are all Lou can do lately, his astringent ale will have you puckering your scowl at any one who dares take a sip.
6. Dirk NowitzkiThe Name: Ich Bin Ein Tasty
Seriously, it’s unbelievable he doesn’t have a beer to his name already. The Western hemisphere may drink less than Dirk’s homeland.
So this one’s getting heavy.
Nowitzki’s lager will have you face down on a floor somewhere in no time.
While it will go down silky smooth like his jumper, the beer’s, as well as Dirk’s, lack of hops will leave a tangy impression in the mouth.
Why? Because just like Dirk’s Mavericks, it can never be perfect.
The beer, however, will look just like any top of the line ale, and it’s crisp, golden color matches its inspiration’s locks.
5. Chris JohnsonThe Name: Dreads’ Delight
Chris Johnson is smooth, fast, light on his feet and oh so sassy with the press.
Now, you can get all that in your beer for free!
As long as you follow him on Twitter.
Vitamin C.J. gets his own black malt, and he couldn’t be happier. The creamy concoction out of Tennessee has the brightness of a black hole, but unquestionable sweetness due to its mash.
Also, he will hand deliver it to you, since it takes him under 10 seconds to run anywhere on Earth.
The beer also comes in a gold bottle, which Johnson hand-crafted himself. He has experience building shiny teeth and he decided to take his talents into brewery.
At least he didn’t take them to South Beach.
4. Charles BarkleyThe Name: Turrible Trasendence
If Barkley is willing to support Taco Bell, a company that sells one thing in hundreds of shapes, there’s no way he’d turn down marketing his own beer.
And he wouldn’t have to share the spotlight with Lamar Odom!
Chuck’s brew would only come in cans, seeing as he was never the full size of most power forwards.
But his caramel bouquet would be ridiculously irresistible, despite its alcohol content guaranteeing that you pass out within an hour of consumption.
Well at least you’d slur your words. Like Barkley on TNT.
The one feature delight of the Round Mound’s ale is that the ester would range from fruity to spicy, covering his wide array of emotions.
It’s like a mood ring, but in a can!
3. John DalyThe Name: Public Enemy
John Daly is known for his unconventional behavior and clothing.
He loves a good cigar on the first tee, and it wouldn’t surprise anyone if he put it out on the tablecloth he decided to wear as pants.
That’s why Daly’s beer is only for the most refined palate.
Only true legends of drinking will appreciate this fruity malt liquor, just like only true golf fans will appreciate what Daly has done for the sport.
Everyone else wonders when he’s going to rehab.
The golfer’s ale would be known for it’s chill haze, which makes the beer cloudier than everything except Daly’s mind. The smell of the beer changes depending on the temperature going from clove-like to vinous.
Sadly, that part is unlike Daly’s golf game, which hasn’t adjusted in years.
The Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback has had his off the field issues with alcohol in the past.
Which makes him off limits for his own beer, right?
Wrong!
It’s time to get fratty!
Instead of being embarrassed of going after 20-year-olds, this beer is all about embracing it.
While the pale amber may appear light to the untrained babe, the heavy level of hops and barley make this bad boy thick.
Insert sexual pun here.
Sadly, it would be a limited time offer. Only alcohol providers within 15 miles of a college campus are allowed to sell it, and only during the games Big Ben plays this year.
You might think that’s bad, but this beer is one that people will flock to the stores just to wiff the bouquet.
The beer is so dry, it finishes sharp in the mouth, just like Roethlisberger.
What, too soon?
1. Ron ArtestThe Name: Showtime Stopper
Some may think this is a hometown pick, but let’s be honest here.
Artest is so eccentric, if someone could manage to put all his qualities into a bottle, it would probably taste like heaven.
With a slight hint of Hennessey.
Ron-Ron’s beer would be a premium stout with caramel sugar, making the drink a dark brown hue, slightly burnt (like his reputation in Detroit), and with a full body.
No more poppin’ champagne after championships. It’s all about Stopper!
All Lakers fans over 21 will have a chance to get a free cup of the beverage after the game if L.A. holds its opponent to under 100 points.
It’s either that, or two tacos at Jack-In-The-Box.
But let’s not ignore this dream drinks’ flavor. With a perfect balance of a crisp, nutty and hoppy nose to its sweet, yet tart, bouquet, Artest’s beer will have you stocking your fridge in no time.
However, all purchases must be made while wearing a Lakers jersey. Even if your going to the club after, you must obey that rule.
Because we know Ron would.
